New London, WI & University of California, Santa Barbara

After arson incidents at a local bar, high school playground and the University of California, Santa Barbara politicians are planning to ban fire.

“Something must be done” – Senator Dianna Feinstein

For 125,000 years mankind has harnessed the power of fire (especially that kid on Captain Planet). This power has gone unchecked. Since the government knows what’s best, it’s time that we abolish this arcane act of harnessing fire said Feinstein.

At a press conference, a father of one of the victims blamed the National Firemen’s Association (NFA) and Politicians for the act.

Our son died because of craven irresponsible politicians and the National Firemen’s Association. They talk about fire rights? What about my son’s right to live? – Father

Senator Dianna Feinstein has introduced legislation to limit the amount of gasoline a person can carry in a container to 1 gallon.  This would include cars which would be limited to 1 gallon at a time. She’s also asking that all lighters have a child proof lock on them. Finally, she’s requesting that all people get a background check before buying gasoline, kerosine or any other flame propellant. This would include all drivers in the United States filling their cars up for gas.

If we can stop one more senseless murder by making everyone’s life in America a living hell, then let’s do it. – Dianna Feinstein.

Feinstein has been quoted in the past in her attempts to ban fire – “If I could have gotten 51 votes in the Senate of the United States for an outright ban, picking up every one of them . . . Mr. and Mrs. America, turn ’em all in, I would have done it. I could not do that. The votes weren’t here.”

Jessie MacLamarrah of New London, has been arrested for the arson acts and currently faces 125 years in Federal ‘Pound Me In The Ass’ Prison.