Verizon, US Cellular, AT&T & Sprint jointly announced Monday that they are proposing a 4 way merger (pending a first round draft pick) to form the world’s largest telecommunication company.
“We’ve been fucking America over long enough on our own. It’s time we joined forces with the other 3 carriers to finally give our customers the screwing they’ve been asking for” – Tom Richguy, Verizon CEO
The proposed company would be renamed ‘Fuck You, Customers™‘ and plans on charging overage fees for any customers using more than 1mb of data. Free text and talk will still be available since nobody uses those fucking services anyway.
When asked whether ‘framily plans’ will continue after the merger, CEO of Sprint said “Who the fuck came up with that dumb ass name anyway? I hope they burn in a fire.”
Shortly after the merger becomes approved by the weakling FCC and the anti-christ has ascended to his rightful throne, the un-holy 4 headed hydra company plans on buying AOL as well since nobody gives a shit about them anymore.
The company released the following coverage map with the announcement of the merger –
Finally! I hope this new company gets rid of all those phones they have in their stores and makes it easier to pick one out. Its always so confusing, what’s the difference between an iPhone and a Galaxy S, I’m pretty sure they’re all made in the same Chinese factory anyways. They should give you 3 options of phones: A cheap piece of garbage for poor people and old people; a insanely overpriced high end piece of garbage for people who think they’re ‘different’; and a still-over-priced-but-maybe-not-so-insanely piece of garbage for us average underachieving worker drones.