Democrat voters narrowed their options for the 2020
Democratic presidential nomination from 20+ candidates to two finalists. Included in the rejected group were several women, a Latino, gay, Asian, and African-American humans as well as extra terrestrial beings (in the case of Marianne Williamson).
Throughout the primary and debate process, candidates espoused their support for diversity including the topics of police profiling, border restrictions, gay marriage, reparations and equality in pay for women.
However, Democrat voters decided to support their straight, Anglo-Saxon brother by selecting Joe Biden in several contests on Super Tuesday.
After maintaining a slight lead in delegate counts after Super Tuesday, Sanders supporters showed their overwhelming support by flying a Nazi flag at one of his large rallies.
Voters considered nominating a female nominee in 2020 who would go on to become the first female president in US history, but after their cybernetic unit failed to win the 2016 election due to failed Toshi power converter, they opted against it.
All posts by mikehunt
Anti-choice Nurse Pressures Father Not To Get A Vasectomy
After weighing and taking local man Tyler Smith’s blood pressure (because that’s necessary for a vasectomy consultation) local nurse Kira Jennings attempted to infringe on Smith’s unalienable right to choose to get a vasectomy. A sacred right granted to him by the United States Supreme Court after the landmark case Joe v. Aunt Julie.
“I just love your daughter so much, are you sure you really want to go through with this? Have you considered all of your options, like doing it for me and your random aunt and uncle you only see twice a year who won’t bother raising the child you’ll be stuck raising for the next 18 years?” Nurse Jennings said to Smith with a scowl.
Smith responded quickly with “keep your office policies off of my body! Listen Kira, if I made a child every time someone asked me about when I’m having my second, I’d have more children than Vikings player Adrian Peterson. And unlike Peterson, I’d actually see them before they passed away in the hospital!”
As Smith left the clinic, protesters outside heckled him and told him he’s going to hell for his choice to have a vasectomy.
“You’re killing millions of innocent children!!” One protester shouted with a sign stating each ejaculation a man makes contains over 100 million individual sperm. “Any one of those sperm could go on to become the second coming of Christ, a future president or Kyle from Accounting!” Another protester stated.
Smith was last seen at home, holding a pack of frozen green peas against his groin while playing video games.
Desperate Couple Buys Additional Life Insurance Just So Salesman Will Go Home
Local couple Tyler and Shanna Gifford recently had the pleasure of discussing their life insurance options with local salesmen John Carlos of the American Life Insurance Company.
Carlos, noticing that the couple had a young child immediately went for the ‘think of the children pitch’ and tried guilting the couple into buying an additional $100,000 in whole life insurance so as to think of their child’s future.
“With a young child like that, what are you two going to do when you both die (at the same time)? Statistically, you have a 0.0005% chance of both dying at the same time and your daughter can’t survive on a measly $30,000 without having to resort to prostitution.” -Carlos
Carlos followed, using the lame good, better and best sales technique showed the couple a chart offering $100,000, $150,000 and $200,000 as options with labels for bronze, silver and gold. He then recommended Tyler choose the silver level which is what every lame salesman does in this scenario.
“What precious metal am I currently at with my $30,000 policy, tin?” Gifford responded.
After three hours of listening to every sales tactic in the book, their dog barking and baby crying, the Giffords finally relented and purchased an additional ‘copper?’ level policy with a total value of $50,000 so that the insurance salesman would finally go home and they could enjoy the last 30 minutes of their night before returning to their jobs the next day.
They both considered suicide at the two hour mark, but realized in talking with Carlos that it wouldn’t be covered in their policy.
Female Dog Accuses Owner of Unwanted Advances & Kisses
An area man has been accused by several female dogs of unwanted advances & kisses in the wake of many big name celebrities having similar accusations filed against them.
Marcus Sanford, who works as local TV anchor has issued an apology admitting that he did in fact kiss the dogs even though they did not want it. The female dogs would frequently turn their heads away in an act to show Sanford they did not want to be kissed. Sanford allegedly use a high pitched voice when trying to kiss the dogs as a way to entice them to want to kiss him back. He also used food as a way to lure the dogs into his embrace by cutting up hot dogs and holding them out for the dogs to eat after which, he would hold the canines in his arms and not let them go.
Sanford, who has been fired from Channel 2 news, had his retirement taken away, denied unemployment, blacklisted by all other employers, is now also going through a divorce with his wife of 20 years and is receiving death threats on the internet after the allegations came out.
“Im going 2 murder u sanford. I would murder your family but they already hate you your worse then a child molester” -Internet Death Threat.
Ranging in age from 3 to 10 (or 21 to 70 in dog years), a number of the accusers spoke on condition of anonymity for fear of retaliation from the dog owner. The female’s allegations share striking similarities, describing how Sanford rubbed their bellies and legs and would try to kiss them on the mouth. The dogs would frequently ‘shake off’ after being touched by Sanford, a sign of unwanted affection.
“It is essential that these dogs know I hear them and that I deeply apologize,” Sanford said in a statement. “I am greatly embarrassed. I have behaved insensitively at times, and I accept responsibility for that. I always felt that I was pursuing shared feelings, even though I now realize I was mistaken.”
Unable to find a job ever again, Sanford was last seen at a homeless shelter after having been kicked out of his house during the divorce.
Sanders Suspends Presidential Bid After Losing Texas, Illinois, Iowa & Georgia
After a long hard fight against presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders has announced he’s suspending his campaign.
“Words cannot express how grateful I am to all of you my true friends who have helped me in waging this courageous battle,” he said. “When I got into this 8 months ago I had no doubt that it would be anything but a tough fight. And it is a tough fight. But I have always been drawn to a tough fight.”
“He ran an energetic and honorable campaign – leading the field with the most bold progressive policy proposals, and he successfully pushed the other candidates on gun safety, immigration, and climate policy,” the sources said.