After weighing and taking local man Tyler Smith’s blood pressure (because that’s necessary for a vasectomy consultation) local nurse Kira Jennings attempted to infringe on Smith’s unalienable right to choose to get a vasectomy. A sacred right granted to him by the United States Supreme Court after the landmark case Joe v. Aunt Julie.

“I just love your daughter so much, are you sure you really want to go through with this? Have you considered all of your options, like doing it for me and your random aunt and uncle you only see twice a year who won’t bother raising the child you’ll be stuck raising for the next 18 years?” Nurse Jennings said to Smith with a scowl.

Smith responded quickly with “keep your office policies off of my body! Listen Kira, if I made a child every time someone asked me about when I’m having my second, I’d have more children than Vikings player Adrian Peterson. And unlike Peterson, I’d actually see them before they passed away in the hospital!”

As Smith left the clinic, protesters outside heckled him and told him he’s going to hell for his choice to have a vasectomy.

“You’re killing millions of innocent children!!” One protester shouted with a sign stating each ejaculation a man makes contains over 100 million individual sperm. “Any one of those sperm could go on to become the second coming of Christ, a future president or Kyle from Accounting!” Another protester stated.

Smith was last seen at home, holding a pack of frozen green peas against his groin while playing video games.

Local couple Tyler and Shanna Gifford recently had the pleasure of discussing their life insurance options with local salesmen John Carlos of the American Life Insurance Company.

Carlos, noticing that the couple had a young child immediately went for the ‘think of the children pitch’ and tried guilting the couple into buying an additional $100,000 in whole life insurance so as to think of their child’s future.

“With a young child like that, what are you two going to do when you both die (at the same time)? Statistically, you have a 0.0005% chance of both dying at the same time and your daughter can’t survive on a measly $30,000 without having to resort to prostitution.” -Carlos

Carlos followed, using the lame good, better and best sales technique showed the couple a chart offering $100,000, $150,000 and $200,000 as options with labels for bronze, silver and gold. He then recommended Tyler choose the silver level which is what every lame salesman does in this scenario.

“What precious metal am I currently at with my $30,000 policy, tin?” Gifford responded.

After three hours of listening to every sales tactic in the book, their dog barking and baby crying, the Giffords finally relented and purchased an additional ‘copper?’ level policy with a total value of $50,000 so that the insurance salesman would finally go home and they could enjoy the last 30 minutes of their night before returning to their jobs the next day.

They both considered suicide at the two hour mark, but realized in talking with Carlos that it wouldn’t be covered in their policy.

Bradley Dryair, Technical Recruiter of Meet Your Quota Recruiters® pitched an exciting, part time, temporary , Senior UI Engineer job to local developer Pete Givens via email.

Givens who lives in Chicago (1,800+ miles away from San Francisco) and has a full time, permanent job doing what he loves received an email from Dryair Tuesday. The job offers a 6-9 month temporary position in San Francisco where the cost of living is so terrible, a $100,000 a year job can barely afford to pay the rent. Givens has no prior relationship with Dryair and has no fucking idea how he got his email in the first place.

“Sure, I’d just love to give up my permanent, full time job to move out to San Francisco where I have no promise of having a job in 6-9 months once I finish the project, not…” – Givens

The job requirements list the follow:

• 20+ years of iOS experience or 45+ years of Javascript experience
• MUST know .NET, PHP, CSS, HTML, COBOL, C++, Fortran, Python, Google Dart, Perl, Ruby, Coldfusion, Sharepoint, Angular, Node.js, Ember.js, AngularJS, XAML, Grunt, SASS, Bootstrap, HTML7,  Kendo UI, Bourbon, Apache Cordova, Laravel, Zend, TodoMVC
• Must be an award winning UI Designer
• Must be a woman because the tech industry is 95% male (and the nursing field isn’t 95% female)

Givens is currently in the process of deleting the email from Dryair and changing his identity in hopes that he evades future recruiters from Meet Your Quota Recruiters®

Brian Johnston sat deep in thought this Thursday pondering life’s major question – “Why haven’t social justice warriors campaigned to get Faygo or Spic and Span removed from the shelf yet?”

Clearly these products are homophobic and racist yet they still continue to be sold and marketed as such thought Johnston.

“Everything needs to be politically correct now days. You can’t say ‘that’s retarded’ or ‘stop being gay’ without making some social justice warrior butthurt, Yet somehow there’s a product named Faygo at the grocery store.” Brian Johnston

CEOs are fired based on minor political contributions 6 years ago – Entire basketball teams are lost/sold over private voice recordings – and CEOs are forced out by social justice warrior employees but Faygo and Spic and Span are completely blameless for their actions thought Johnston.

“Overall, I think the fact that Faygo isn’t forced to change their name by some gay social media campaign is pretty retarded” – Johnston

When asked about whether or not guns laws are strict enough, local mother and Planned Parenthood nurse Jessica Jones had strong words to say.

“We need to think of the children and ban guns! Nothing is more important to me than children (as long as they’re outside of the womb, otherwise, fuck em!)” – Jessica Jones

“We need to stop these deranged criminals from killing innocent kids… kids who have committed no crimes. These kids were looking forward to long healthy lives and they were taken away by these ruthless criminals.” Jessica explained after exiting her car in the Planned Parenthood parking lot to go to work.

When asked what the difference was between guns killing kids and her job at Planned Parenthood Jessica had the following to say “Totally different, redneck pissed-off conservatives wouldn’t understand. Stop being so intolerant.”