Local resident Kyle Boward was overcome with joy when he discovered that his Chase Bank rewards points towards a $25 gift card would only cost $50 to ship via International Priority Mail.

“What a fucking deal this is!! Only $50 to receive my $25 gift card. My bank sure knows how to thank me for being a loyal customer.” – Kyle Boward

Kyle originally wanted to go with the $42 Overnight Saturday Delivery option for his $25 gift card, but decided that since he lives in Canada which is considered international by everyone, he best spend the addition $8 for the International Priority Mail option.

“I’m already planning all of the ways I’m going to spend my $25 gift card that I’ve been banking points towards for the last three years. This is going to be so awesome!” – Kyle Boward

It should be noted that Kyle has a 2nd grade education and was unaware of the deficit the card would cost him.

Potato Point police today arrested four local green-skinhead gang members after they were caught beating up a Roman Catholic teenager in the North Potato Point area.

Going by the names Leonardo, Raphael, Donatello & Michelangelo, we had the chance to interview them while they were in jail awaiting sentencing.

“That Catholic had it coming. I could just tell he was an Irish immigrant too. Those are the worst! Cowabunga dude!”  – Michelangelo

When asked what groups each of the members hate the most Donatello chimed in with: “I totally hate Armenians dude! Especially the Kardashians! I’m pretty sure Kim and Kanye’s kid will rise to be the anti-christ and ruin our great Christian land. That and steal my pizza!”

“The minute I figured out Shredder was Asian (when his helmet accidentally fell off in the supermarket) we’ve been at war with him and his crew.” – Raphael

Leonardo elaborated with: “Master Splinter taught us three rules:”

1. April is totally bodacious
2. Pizza rules
3. Hate anyone who isn’t green, wearing a halfshell, and isn’t a turtle.

The turtles are currently evaluating whether or not they hate Vanilla Ice, despite his pro-turtle rap music.

New London, WI

Residents in New London, WI (Now known as New Dublin, because drinking.) decided to honor their fake-irish heritage on St. Patricks day with Irish Stereotypes.

Wearing all green, a top hat, gold sparkle face paint and green leggings, local resident Megan Ritchie had the following to say:

“I can’t think of a better way to celebrate St. Patricks day than to get completely drunk like Irish people are all year round!”

Residents flocked to the beer tent centrally located in New London to honor the Irish by getting drunk and listening to shitty music.

Some found other ways to honor Irish stereotypes like resident Rachel Flease who decided to abstain from using birth control so as to “fill the world with dirty, poor Irish children”.

Others will inevitably honor another Irish stereotype by drinking so much that they fight one another.

Jenna Gorges decided to live on the “wild side” and get an authentic Shamrock Shake from the local McDonalds.

“I hope this Shamrock Shake tastes just like they do in Ireland!” – Jenna Gorges

New London’s only true Irish family, the Sweeneys will be spending the celebration in one of their many condos spread across North America and will not be drinking, fighting, or eating potatoes.

According to an image pulled from Google Street View, a 40 foot panther has attacked downtown De Pere, Wisconsin. De Pere (pronounced ‘Deep-Here’ by William Zoelle) is a suburb of Green Bay, Wisconsin, home of the Green Bay Fudge Packers.

While no reports of a 40 foot panther attack have been reported by De Pere residents, the attack can clearly be seen in a Google Street View image.

The panther stands across the street from a Chinese restaurant and appears very hungry. Residents are being asked to stay indoors and be vigilant.

The three Chinese residents of De Pere are also being kept in a safehouse as an extra precaution (or as a form of segregation from the 99.9% of the remaining De Pere residents)

 

Armed with a silencer, night vision goggles and a grappling hook, local resident Barry Omaha worked his way out of the four story office using the HVAC system to arrive on the building roof. From there he ziplined 75 feet to the workplace parking lot to enter his tan 2005 Toyota Camry.

Once in his car, which is in plain sight of the of the offices in the building, Omaha nervously waited for the HR rep to call him.

“I came out here so that none of my co-workers would know I’m interviewing for another job. Even though 95% of them hate their jobs, I’m really afraid of them finding out what I’m doing right now.” – Barry

Looking suspiciously around to avoid being seen, Barry reviewed papers in his leather bound portfolio, which he only carries with him while interviewing.

“I think I’m going to pull this off. Nobody saw me remove the breakroom ceiling tile before I entered the duct-work. ” – Barry

Several co-workers watched as his suspiciously talked on the phone, in his car, for the next 20 minutes.