Verizon, US Cellular, AT&T & Sprint jointly announced Monday that they are proposing a 4 way merger (pending a first round draft pick) to form the world’s largest telecommunication company.

“We’ve been fucking America over long enough on our own. It’s time we joined forces with the other 3 carriers to finally give our customers the screwing they’ve been asking for” – Tom Richguy, Verizon CEO

The proposed company would be renamed ‘Fuck You, Customers™‘ and plans on charging overage fees for any customers using more than 1mb of data. Free text and talk will still be available since nobody uses those fucking services anyway.

When asked whether ‘framily plans’ will continue after the merger, CEO of Sprint said “Who the fuck came up with that dumb ass name anyway? I hope they burn in a fire.”

Shortly after the merger becomes approved by the weakling FCC and the anti-christ has ascended to his rightful throne, the un-holy 4 headed hydra company plans on buying AOL as well since nobody gives a shit about them anymore.

The company released the following coverage map with the announcement of the merger –

Showing up naked surrounded by an electrical storm, future Vice President Teagan McDonahue-Beaumont-McCallahan warned fellow Democrats to support Man-boy marriage before looking like hateful bigots 50 years from now.

“Many of you remember a time when Protestant-Catholic or Interracial marriages were considered taboo. In your current time along the space-time continuum gay marriage is finally being accepted. I urge all of you to support man-boy marriage before losing this large voting block to the Republicans” -Vice President Teagan

The time traveling Democrat also elaborated “Pedophiles are born that way. How can we be so intolerant of them when they didn’t choose who they love?

NAMBLA (North American Man-Boy Love Association) lobbyists in Washington were foaming from the mouth after hearing the news.

“I guess at the moment I can’t think of any civil rights left to grant so I suppose 50 years from now this will be okay. I mean, we can’t just call it quits, somebody has to suffering from persecution out there.” – Senator Joe Frank

Vice President Teagan was last seen trying to open up the time portal in an attempt to stop Kanye West from being born.

Boston, Massachusetts

Father Francis, considered one the top Catholic experts on the topic of marriage counseled his latest couple Friday.

“I don’t know if I can ever trust Steve again. I hope Father Francis, with his years of experience with marriage, can help us work through these difficult times” – Aubrey White

Fr. Francis started the session like he has every marriage counseling session he’s counseled:  by using his numerous years of marriage (to the church) to draw experience from.

“I remember the day I married God. The way he looked as he walked down the aisle looking into my eyes. Also, the honeymoon in Cancun wasn’t bad either, God is a great snuggler. What were we talking about again?”  – Fr. Francis

When questioned about Steve’s infidelity Fr. Francis related it to an episode of Friends where Joey and Monica had a fling.

“Chandler was able to forgive Monica as you will Steve” – Fr. Francis

Francis was last heard drawing inspiration from daytime soaps as he had exhausted all his knowledge of marriage from must-see-tv shows.

Announced this week is news that the hit TV Show – The View will have some cast changes next season. The entire cast will be replaced by Chickens.

“We figured since most of the show is just a bunch of middle aged women pecking at one another and talking about topics they know nothing about, we would take it a bit more literal next season and just replace them all with chickens.” – John Forester, Executive Producer

Each of the cast members will be replaced by a Hen that looks the most like their human counterpart. Producers went to great lengths to find Hens that best fit each former cast member.

The producers plan to spread the studio with chicken feed and set the Hens lose on it for the hour long show.

I imagine they’ll rush out and fight over it for an hour. Occasionally squawking at one another. Overall it should be exactly what our audience wants. – John Forester

Even though no food has ever contained trans fat, scientists have finally unlocked the secrets of what trans fat is.

It took us years of research and several rounds of federal grants, but we have finally unlocked the secrets of trans fat – Dr. Mueller

The FDA is currently re-evaluating its requirement that every single piece of food sold in the US contain the “0g of trans fat label” on them.

I really can’t remember why we forced food companies to use the 0g of trans fat label on all food. I think Bill was the one that decided that back in 2008. Just a minute, let me find Bill. Oh wait, he left for the ATF a few months ago…nevermind -Josh Braunstein, Director of Labels at the FDA

Dr. Mueller believes the potential for trans fat will solve many of society’s problems, like world hunger, world peace and curious guys who just want to have a good time while drunk.