V. Stiviano (who has a first name consisting of one letter) was fired today from her gold digging job after a video was posted on TMZ of her making racist remarks.

“I don’t understand black people. You give them a little bit of money, they don’t know what to do with it.” – V. Stiviano, Racist

Her boss, Donald Sterling who is Jewish and a NAACP award recipient took offense to these remarks and fired her immediately. Sterling had the following to say: “With great remorse, I had to let V. go today. She was one of my favorite gold diggers. I’ve yet to have one that dug as much of my gold as her. (if you know what I mean).”

“At only 31 years old, she’s also the youngest gold digger I’ve had the pleasure to employ.” said the 80 year old Sterling.

“Black people just act crazy … they’re like, ‘Yo, I wanna put extra rims on top of my rims. And my rims are gonna turn around. I’m gonna call them spinners.'” – V. Stiviano, Racist

Not only has Stiviano lost her job, but Sterling is also pushing for a lifetime ban of her so that she will not be able to gold dig for any other mining companies in the future.

Stiviano is currently appealing the lifetime ban decision.

New London, WI & University of California, Santa Barbara

After arson incidents at a local bar, high school playground and the University of California, Santa Barbara politicians are planning to ban fire.

“Something must be done” – Senator Dianna Feinstein

For 125,000 years mankind has harnessed the power of fire (especially that kid on Captain Planet). This power has gone unchecked. Since the government knows what’s best, it’s time that we abolish this arcane act of harnessing fire said Feinstein.

At a press conference, a father of one of the victims blamed the National Firemen’s Association (NFA) and Politicians for the act.

Our son died because of craven irresponsible politicians and the National Firemen’s Association. They talk about fire rights? What about my son’s right to live? – Father

Senator Dianna Feinstein has introduced legislation to limit the amount of gasoline a person can carry in a container to 1 gallon.  This would include cars which would be limited to 1 gallon at a time. She’s also asking that all lighters have a child proof lock on them. Finally, she’s requesting that all people get a background check before buying gasoline, kerosine or any other flame propellant. This would include all drivers in the United States filling their cars up for gas.

If we can stop one more senseless murder by making everyone’s life in America a living hell, then let’s do it. – Dianna Feinstein.

Feinstein has been quoted in the past in her attempts to ban fire – “If I could have gotten 51 votes in the Senate of the United States for an outright ban, picking up every one of them . . . Mr. and Mrs. America, turn ’em all in, I would have done it. I could not do that. The votes weren’t here.”

Jessie MacLamarrah of New London, has been arrested for the arson acts and currently faces 125 years in Federal ‘Pound Me In The Ass’ Prison.

Winterfell, Seven Kingdoms

Terrible news, delivered by a murderous raven (Raymond Lewis), befell on the realm today as residents learned of the terrible attack at Winterfell.

Prophets had foretold of the long winter when the white walkers would attack. Each walker brought a unique plague unto the realm like none seen before.

The first walker, donning a cowboy hat and assless chaps delivered a roundhouse kick to the castle.

The second walker broke the backs of the workers of the city by not giving a single fuck. He was last seen campaigning to become the king.

The third walker crashed his car into the city walls and died immediately harming no one. People have already forgotten him.

It will be many a fortnights until the castle can be rebuilt. May the gods save us all.