Boston, Massachusetts

Father Francis, considered one the top Catholic experts on the topic of marriage counseled his latest couple Friday.

“I don’t know if I can ever trust Steve again. I hope Father Francis, with his years of experience with marriage, can help us work through these difficult times” – Aubrey White

Fr. Francis started the session like he has every marriage counseling session he’s counseled:  by using his numerous years of marriage (to the church) to draw experience from.

“I remember the day I married God. The way he looked as he walked down the aisle looking into my eyes. Also, the honeymoon in Cancun wasn’t bad either, God is a great snuggler. What were we talking about again?”  – Fr. Francis

When questioned about Steve’s infidelity Fr. Francis related it to an episode of Friends where Joey and Monica had a fling.

“Chandler was able to forgive Monica as you will Steve” – Fr. Francis

Francis was last heard drawing inspiration from daytime soaps as he had exhausted all his knowledge of marriage from must-see-tv shows.

Announced this week is news that the hit TV Show – The View will have some cast changes next season. The entire cast will be replaced by Chickens.

“We figured since most of the show is just a bunch of middle aged women pecking at one another and talking about topics they know nothing about, we would take it a bit more literal next season and just replace them all with chickens.” – John Forester, Executive Producer

Each of the cast members will be replaced by a Hen that looks the most like their human counterpart. Producers went to great lengths to find Hens that best fit each former cast member.

The producers plan to spread the studio with chicken feed and set the Hens lose on it for the hour long show.

I imagine they’ll rush out and fight over it for an hour. Occasionally squawking at one another. Overall it should be exactly what our audience wants. – John Forester

Even though no food has ever contained trans fat, scientists have finally unlocked the secrets of what trans fat is.

It took us years of research and several rounds of federal grants, but we have finally unlocked the secrets of trans fat – Dr. Mueller

The FDA is currently re-evaluating its requirement that every single piece of food sold in the US contain the “0g of trans fat label” on them.

I really can’t remember why we forced food companies to use the 0g of trans fat label on all food. I think Bill was the one that decided that back in 2008. Just a minute, let me find Bill. Oh wait, he left for the ATF a few months ago…nevermind -Josh Braunstein, Director of Labels at the FDA

Dr. Mueller believes the potential for trans fat will solve many of society’s problems, like world hunger, world peace and curious guys who just want to have a good time while drunk.

Across the country today, Americans are celebrating after the US beat Ghana 2 -1 in a World Cup semi-final game. Ghana was favored to win the game 56 to 0 but the Americans managed an upset in the final half.

“I just can’t believe that America, a country of 318 million people was able to pull off such an upset vs. Ghana, a country of 24 million!” -Jerry Benke

The stands at the game, held in Rio De Janeiro, Brazil were filled with 95% US citizens since nobody in Ghana can afford to fly the 4,000 miles.

“I had all my money placed on Ghana (the 135th country in the world by GDP per capita) as oppose to America (9th). There goes my entire savings account” -Tom Hanson

The US will go on to play Portugal, another country nobody cares about later this week.