PETA has called for a vicious murderer of African Gazelle’s to be hanged.

“Hunting and stalking animals is a coward’s pastime.” – PETA CEO

The serial killer has killed over 45 Gazelle in his lifespan, often sneaking up on them and killing them without warning.

“The photograph of this killer, smiling over the corpse of another “animal, will disgust every caring soul in the world.” – PETA CEO

The PETA statement wrapped up with the following conclusion –

“All wild animals are beloved by their own mates and infants, but to hunters like this murderous coward, they are merely targets to kill, decapitate and eat.” – PETA CEO

After a much hyped interview with Diane Sawyer, congressman Ron Paul (R, TX)  admitted last night that he is a woman.

“For all intents and purposes, I am a woman” – Paul

Paul, announced that from now on, he would like to be known as RuPaul. His wife plans to stay with him, but his Republican son Rand Paul does not support his decision. “I’m fine with dad being a woman, I’m just not sure about his new TV Show Ron Paul’s Drag Race” said Rand.

“I would say I’ve always been confused with my gender identity since I’ve been this big” – Paul

“I’ve always been on the more conservative side,”  told Diane Sawyer while giving President Obama credit for being the first president to use the word “transgender” in the State of the Union address.

Verizon, US Cellular, AT&T & Sprint jointly announced Monday that they are proposing a 4 way merger (pending a first round draft pick) to form the world’s largest telecommunication company.

“We’ve been fucking America over long enough on our own. It’s time we joined forces with the other 3 carriers to finally give our customers the screwing they’ve been asking for” – Tom Richguy, Verizon CEO

The proposed company would be renamed ‘Fuck You, Customers™‘ and plans on charging overage fees for any customers using more than 1mb of data. Free text and talk will still be available since nobody uses those fucking services anyway.

When asked whether ‘framily plans’ will continue after the merger, CEO of Sprint said “Who the fuck came up with that dumb ass name anyway? I hope they burn in a fire.”

Shortly after the merger becomes approved by the weakling FCC and the anti-christ has ascended to his rightful throne, the un-holy 4 headed hydra company plans on buying AOL as well since nobody gives a shit about them anymore.

The company released the following coverage map with the announcement of the merger –

Showing up naked surrounded by an electrical storm, future Vice President Teagan McDonahue-Beaumont-McCallahan warned fellow Democrats to support Man-boy marriage before looking like hateful bigots 50 years from now.

“Many of you remember a time when Protestant-Catholic or Interracial marriages were considered taboo. In your current time along the space-time continuum gay marriage is finally being accepted. I urge all of you to support man-boy marriage before losing this large voting block to the Republicans” -Vice President Teagan

The time traveling Democrat also elaborated “Pedophiles are born that way. How can we be so intolerant of them when they didn’t choose who they love?

NAMBLA (North American Man-Boy Love Association) lobbyists in Washington were foaming from the mouth after hearing the news.

“I guess at the moment I can’t think of any civil rights left to grant so I suppose 50 years from now this will be okay. I mean, we can’t just call it quits, somebody has to suffering from persecution out there.” – Senator Joe Frank

Vice President Teagan was last seen trying to open up the time portal in an attempt to stop Kanye West from being born.